Friend Zone Contract
Alright, so I’ve seen a lot of talk about the “friend zone” for the last few years now. It seems to have a lot of folks up in arms and what not, so I’ve decided to help out this evening…
We’re gonna call this: The Friend Zone Contract.
And it goes a little something like this…
I _________________, recognize and appreciate your value as a person, however, it has been decided by either one or *both parties (you and/or I) that we are not romantically compatible, and/or free to pursue a romantic relationship with one another.
In the interest of mutualism, here are the following points to be agreed upon:
1. The interested party must agree to forfeit all hopes of/for a romantic connection moving forward. In short, the interested party must realize that the friend zone is not a waiting room. Once signed, this contract indicates that both parties have reached an agreement with respect to their view of the relationship moving forward, and neither will let ambiguous moments confuse the nature of said relationship.
2. The uninterested party WILL NOT attempt to exploit the interested party’s attraction to them for benefits, food, monetary gain, physical labor or personal favors; as that is and/or would be (highly) parasitic. All requests for help should be well within reason, and should never exceed the amount of effort and/or value that the uninterested party has paid towards developing the friendship, or offered by way of help and service.
3. The interested party WILL NOT project false meanings onto acts of kindness from the uninterested party, and when said acts of kindness are ambiguous in nature, the interested party will have the courage (the nerve; the balls; the ovaries) to request explanations, and to learn/know the intention(s) of the uninterested party’s actions.
4. The uninterested party will avoid emotional manipulation of all kind. When or if the interested party should demonstrate or indicate attitudes, actions or behavior(s) that are questionable and/or potentially in violation of this contract, is the uninterested party’s right and obligation to defer interested party to this contract.
5. The interested party is required to continue pursuing romantic relationships, and then, to inform the uninterested party of progress in this regard. If it’s going to be a friendship, then it’s imperative for both parties to not only be transparent, but (ultimately) supportive of each other’s respective romantic pursuits.
6. The uninterested party will not use interested party as an emotional or love interest stand-in. This means the uninterested party will not use the interested party as an emotional supplement, or a figure to hug and hold on, or for sexual or intimate favors, or anything that could blur or confuse the nature of the relationship.
7. The uninterested party will be mindful of the fact that their disinterest in the interested party will temporarily heighten the interested party’s attraction to them; as this is simply how perception works. During the transitional period, the uninterested party will keep appropriate distance, and work to humanize themselves, so as to remove themselves from ‘mating’ consideration.
8. Should the uninterested party become interested in the interested party, a mandatory 30 to 45 day waiting period must be implemented and adhered to prior to any divulgence, which will and/or is to be verified by a personal email sent to self (and then shared post hoc). This is to avoid any unnecessary confusion or emotional injury to the [original] interested party; and then, “divulgence” is only acceptable in the event that the [original] interested party is romantically available.
We’re humans. Sometimes our hearts and minds change about shit without us even realizing it. If you’re somebody’s friend, then you don’t drag them through emotional turmoil just because you got off in your feelings for a minute. Give yourself time to reflect on it, and then pursue when, if and only when and if you’re totally sure you’re ready to be with them.
9. The interested party will both individually and openly acknowledge that “attraction to people” is something that is practiced, and the product of projecting desire onto to external values. The interested party will then agree to take steps towards focusing their desire away from the ideal they’re simply projecting onto the uninterested party.
Simply put, NEITHER party will exploit the other. The interested party will not use the uninterested party as a whiteboard to project their own fantasies, wishes and hopes onto, and the uninterested party will not use the interested party as a physical or emotional slave.
Its all holes, poles and fleshy mounds, people… Penises, vaginas, mouths and anuses — hips, tits and asses. There are many, many people in the world who are willing to share theirs with you. Don’t fixate on people who are unavailable, or leech off of those who wish that you were…
Its really that simple…