No More Pretending

You know something I absolutely don’t miss about being [a] and/or associating with cowardly ideologue(s)?

I don’t miss having to pretend like I’m scared of the same shit other people are afraid of, just so they can feel comfortable or safe around me…

I don’t miss having to act angry and intolerant, so as not to offend people around me who are angry and intolerant of things that aren’t like us…

It’s fucking exhausting.

For example, look here…

I’m what society calls a “heterosexual male”, basically meaning I’m a sucker for vagina. Loooovvvvvve vagina. Been that way for as long as I can remember… I’m a sucker for females.

I could go into graphic detail and what not, but let’s just keep it simple and say that if you were born female (obviously, as considered upon reaching a state of sexual maturity; and you know, without any funny business in the way of familial relations, or what have you) then I like what you got on you — at least at an ideal level. Now that doesn’t mean I want every single woman, or that I’m perving or anything…

Because you know… If she doesn’t like me, then I don’t like her. It’s really that simple in my world…

But I just like how women are put together… They’re my cup of tea, if you will…

That being said, I’m not scared of or by gay men. I’m just not…

I don’t think I’ve ever really been scared of gay guys though… There was a point in my life when I was young and naive, and I used think that being “a man” meant being afraid of men who liked other men. Which is weird to think about really, because (in my worldview back then) being “a man” meant being so afraid of something that I couldn’t look at it or consider it without being emotionally triggered by it….

Think of it in these terms: “Be a real man! Prove you’re tough by being emotionally fragile and easily triggered by the thought of men using their penises and butts in ways you don’t approve of, and really shouldn’t be thinking about to begin with!”

Doesn’t make any sort of fucking sense.

Which is why I couldn’t keep that narrative going in my mind; especially seeing as it conflicted with reality. The only way to keep that sort of outlook intact and viable is to associate exclusively with people who are just as afraid of out-groupers as you are.

In my late teens, I met some cool gay guys. They were mad chill. Most of them never crossed any lines with me. Some dudes were flirty and what not. I’d be lying to say I never said slick shit trying to be funny, or whatever, but I knew what I liked and they knew what they liked. We merrily went about our business. We were respectful of each other.

After I interacted with enough gay guys, you know, just talking and getting to know them as people and what not, it turns out I actually liked talking with a lot of them better than I liked talking to heteronormative ideologues. Generally speaking, the gay guys were smarter and more considerate of things that didn’t align with or conform to their own expectations and experiences. So I could actually talk about ideas with these guys, whereas with most of the straight men I knew, I had to keep my conversation limited and basically tethered to my testicles (ideologically speaking, of course)…

That is to say, most of my conversations with straight guys from back in the day could be summed into: “Look at everything I’m doing to prove to the world how much this character I’m pretending to be is real! Look at me channel the all the mythologies and ideologies surrounding my genitals! I’m a special patchwork of fictions to be gazed upon! Bask in the glory of my faux-manhood!”

Trying to keep pace with men who are trying to “out-men” one another is fucking exhausting. It’s like: “Who can pretend the hardest? Who can be so given to their character that they fool the rest of us into believing it’s who and how they really are?”

But back to my point…

I don’t miss pretending to be scared of gay guys because me not being scared would make cowards around me fear the possibility of me being gay.

In fact, I can go down a list with it…

I don’t miss pretending to be frightened by things that challenge convention or science…

“Wahhh!! You stop saying those things, right now! They’re unscientific! We must fear things that are unscientific, because scholars and authorities haven’t said them yet!!”

I don’t miss pretending to be scared of people who fall out of social favor…

“Don’t look at or speak to her!! She’s a pariah! She’s a hoe/thot! Don’t talk to him! He’s a weirdo!! There are consequences for being seen with those type of people!! We must protect our reputations at all costs!!”

I don’t miss pretending to be scared of shit that people label evil or demonic, sans proper and thorough investigation.

“That doll’s evil! That show is demonic! Their knowledge is unholy! Everything that makes me uncomfortable should make you uncomfortable too, because its from the devil! We must be scared for our safety! It’s the smart thing to do! Poor us!!”

Racist ideologue to white person who isn’t fearful of and aggressive towards black people: “Nigger lover!”

Black-identity ideologue to black person who isn’t fearful of or aggressive towards white people: “Sell out! Uncle Tom! Coon!”

Nationalist authoritarian ideologue to anyone who isn’t fearful of or aggressive towards out-groupers: “Bleeding heart liberal! Snowflake! Pussies!”

I don’t miss being the guy who has to to nod and begrudgingly agree with cowardice, weakness and fragility, for fear of being ostracized by the larger group.

Nah… Ostracize me on the front end, homie…

You can be a coward if you want to…

Don’t expect me to cheer you on while you do it though…